The Long Walk (2025)
The Long Walk Movie Review - Boredom Marches On… Without a Pot to Poop In
Hubby Bear (Author)
Bear Hands
Power walk until you die! 🥳
Imagine The Hunger Games stripped of action, special effects, and 🎶💃LAYDEEZ!💃🎶.
The Hunger Lames
Mz. 007 - Important
As someone who didn’t care too much for The Hunger Games, The Long Walk was a relatively boring watch. The dialogue felt repetitive, and we barely learn anything about the characters’ backgrounds — which, honestly, I was grateful for. The first flashback to Ray’s family had me like, oh jeez, can we just get back to the plot and keep this movie moving along?
I kept finding myself curious about the larger universe, and I kept reminding myself — it really didn’t matter: Something bad happened. The government’s bad. Maybe there was a famine, or a war, or some other dystopian trigger. Whatever it was, it’s bleak.
State-Sponsored Violence as Entertainment Ain’t What It Used to Be
I’m not really a fan of these kinds of movies, generally. Maybe it’s because they feel a little too close to the future we’re barreling toward, or maybe it’s just that they’re too bleak in general. Either way, these dystopian stories seem to get less fun each time another one is released.
However, if you rewind way back, there’s one I remember fondly watching on repeat as a kid: The Running Man (1987). Maybe it was my love for obstacle courses (American Gladiators) and video games (there are like 5 boss battles in that movie!). As a kid, I 100% wanted to be thrown into that world—It’s fun and exciting—and I was 100% sure I could take all those bosses.
NOTE: As I was looking for images of The Running Man bosses (which the internet is lacking), I discovered two things: The Running Man is a Stephen King book 🤯. And there’s a 2025 remake!
Dynamo from The Running Man (1987)
American Gladiators
This movie lives up to its title. 🚶♂️➡️🚶♀️➡️🚶➡️🚶♂️➡️🚶♀️➡️🚶➡️
It's a walk… and it’s long…
There’s also a LOT of motivational pep talks amongst the contestants — the kind you’d give if you were maybe doing a 5K with your friend. But when one of the “winnings” is not getting a bullet in your head, I found this level of enthusiasm a little hard to believe and egregious at times — especially at a runtime of 1 hr and 48 minutes…
Realism Points: Bodily Functions
Despite the unrealistic premise — randos having the stamina to walk nonstop for days — the film nails the logistics of trying to relieve yourself at 3 mph on foot. Here are some tips:
• Pee: Walk backwards so you keep your pace and don’t pee on yourself.
• Poo: You HAVE to stop. Unless you came prepared with some sort of homemade crotchless number, there’s no way around it. I don’t know what these guys are eating, but there are like three poo scenes and none of them are of the solid type your doctor would be happy about. Like a Hershey fountain in the street.
And in all honesty, this is where the movie came alive for me and I started to believe.
I don’t even like pooping in a public restroom…
… and not with a gun to my head.
No Finish Line
It’s made clear that there is no finish line. The finish line is simply when your last friend’s head explodes. But this movie’s last scene conveniently ends at what looks like a finish line. And it was hard for me to accept this, as they pass almost no one during the walk. But as they near the “end,” suddenly there’s a crowd. It’s like less than a city block of spectators, and is perfect for them to gather for the big finale. Should I suspend my belief for this scene..? Naw.
⚠️ SPOILER ALERT — The End Sucks ⚠️
Two guys remain: Ray (our main character) and Pete (the second guy we met). So, I should have mentioned by now, but the premise of the movie is that this evil, totalitarian, armed force has partnered with the Make-A-Wish Foundation — because at the end, besides a bunch of money and no bullet to the head, you are granted one wish…
(Can I wish for more wishes? 🧞♂️ I probably signed something that said no.)
Of course, during the walk we’ve learned the characters’ wishes:
• Ray’s wish: Immediately get a soldier’s gun and then use it to shoot the colonel (who killed Ray’s dad in a flashback scene). Yay, revenge 🎊
• Pete’s wish: Change the rules so there are two winners going forward. Altruistic and noble.
Spoiler Alert: Ray, who I thought we were rooting for, turns out to be second place and gets a bullet to the head — just like everyone before him. It’s dramatic, and there’s a bit of back and forth with us wondering who it’s going to be — and of course, still a lot of them pumping each other up: you can do it! So, at the last minute, Pete changes his wish. Instead of using his great power to change the game for the better forever, he honors his good friend of four days, asks for a gun (as a souvenir, he says), and then takes out the colonel (played by Mark Hamill - worth noting).
Pete walks away in slow motion as the credits roll, and I think we’re supposed to feel something. But we can only imagine that he is immediately joining all the other contestants with a shot to the head, or maybe he’ll be arrested and stand trial in this dystopian universe… and receive a bullet to the head.
(How many times have I said “bullet to the head” in this review?)
Whose gonna get it?
Killing Mark Hamill
Walking off into distance..
Would This Ending Be Better?
The exact opposite: The back and forth of who’s gonna get it ends with our main character, Ray, surviving. Time for your wish, Ray. They could even do the fake-out thing where we, as the audience, don’t realize we’re in a fantasy sequence — we see Ray shoot the colonel. But then, after our shock, the camera pans out of his brain and we realize it was just his fantasy (damn you, Hollywood!). We see Ray’s eyes avert from the gun to meet the colonel’s. But, Ray does not ask for the gun. Instead, he uses Pete’s wish to change the rules forever: two winners from now on.
See, he’s grown on this walk. He’s matured. It’s a coming-of-age tale about how an altruistic gesture of kindness is so much more powerful than revenge. And we all shit a sigh of relief in the middle of the road.
Final thought
Although I didn’t like this movie, I have to admit it did get me thinking about our society’s eagerness to “never forget” wars and tragedies — but also our apathy when it comes to actually understanding or learning from them. We’d rather turn them into spectacle—a reality TV show, rather than reflect and grow from them. In that sense, it’s fitting that we never learn the backstory or what tragedy has befallen these people — maybe we don’t actually know much more than they do. If you were to ask the characters, some would probably get a few facts wrong, others would twist details, and some would invent wild conspiracy theories.
Revenge is often seen as a reasonable reason for violence. The movie is very true in that sense. Faced with the chance to do something meaningful, Ray chooses revenge instead. He kills the colonel without considering there’s a line of bad men waiting to take his place. History repeats itself. Next year, there will still only be one winner.
Please let me know what you thought in the comments.